prettysmoker

     Blogging about my smoking habit is doing something I hoped it would. It is holding me accountable. I gave in to a cigarette craving last night. My first thought was my blog. I told the world I was done and here I am smoking. Again! I promised myself I would be truthful in my blog, no matter what. I knew I would have to stick to that. The bad part was, I was more concerned about not living up to my word than I was about the harmful chemicals I was putting in my body again.

     I smoked two cigarettes last night and threw the pack away. I was so mad at myself when I went to bed. There were two triggers that led to my lapse last night. The first one happened earlier in the evening. I had to tell my dad I was moving back to Los Angeles. I didn’t know how he was going to react. I didn’t want to be judged. He reacted just fine but I worked myself up into a worry. When dinner was over I was relieved but I was still holding all that stress. I drove home and had an incredibly strong desire for sugar. I wanted ice cream something bad. I really resisted though because I was full from dinner and I knew it would be emotional eating. I am training for the marathon and I am eating healthy. I worried about upsetting that balance. SO, my next thought was a cigarette. I knew one cigarette would make the craving for sugar disappear. It works every time. I wrestled with this decision long enough to drive to plaid pantry and drive away. Drive to dairy queen and drive away. I ended up at an ATM at Bank of America. I’m not sure why. So I took some money out. I tried to drive home but instead drove to another convenience store and bought the cheapest cigarettes I could (because I knew I would be throwing them away). I smoked one and saved one for when I got home. I wanted to lie and say it never happened and just move on with quitting. But I decided to be honest because it’s really being honest with myself. No one really cares if I quit as much as I do. I forget this. I went to bad that night really angry. Not even at myself but angry because I want this to be easy. I am stuck in some form of denial it seems. I am trying to will my feelings on the matter and it’s not working.

I woke up the next morning at 7am. I went to the gym and ran six miles. I drove away from the gym feeling really empowered. I thought. I was so dis-empowered just ten hours ago. How can there be such a strong shift in emotions?  I thought more about what triggered me in the first place. Having to tell someone something I thought would make them feel a certain way about me. I thought more about it and something big occurred to me. My insecurity’s about what my dad would think was really a reflection of my own thoughts about myself, my own judgments. I worry way too much about what other people think. This is really a reflection of what I think about myself. Anyhow, it’s ridiculous that I smoked again.  I should of just had the damn ice cream cone.

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